Hey guys,

I know I haven't been a great blogger, because I haven't been updating as much as I wanted to. But today I just wanted to share this with you. These past few months have been very rough for me. Alot has happened and alot is still going on. 

As I already mentioned in my previous 'Heart to heart' post (link to the post here), at the beginning of December, my friend had passed away after fighting her battle against cancer for years and my health was very bad at that time aswell. I started crawling back up with both my mental and physical health, during the beginning of January. I had spent alot of time with my friends at the end of 2015, and the beginning of 2016.

But soon, things changed drastically. Things hadn't been going well at home for a couple of years. After moving to Rotterdam things got quite difficult for me, even when I didn't want to show it most of the time. It was alright at first, and I thought I just had to get used to the fact everything changed. But days and months passed, and I started feeling less at ease living there with my biological father and his girlfriend. Somewhere in January I got into a huge fight at home. And at one point, they threw me out the house. I wasn't allowed to put on shoes, a coat or take my phone with me. It was around 8/9 PM.
Earlier that day, me and his girlfriend's ex (I used to babysit Levi at his other mother's place), had already planned that I would drop by to pick up the money for the last couple of times for babysitting or something. I ran there on my socks and picked up the money. Obviously she got concerned, but since her son was there and it was only a 10 minute walk from my biological father his place, I told her not to worry and I was fine. That was also the last time I had seen their son.

Now this isn't something you want to happen, nor expect. So noone can really prepare you for it. 
So I knew that I had to go to one of my friends I knew who lived the closest to me, which was my boyfriend.

(Before the entire fight started, my boyfriend, our friend Alysha and I, were supposed to start a skype call to work on one of our big school projects. Me and Alysha were talking on the phone, right before I got called to come inside the livingroom and the whole shabang happened. I told her I'd be back in a minute, and they knew something was up since I didn't pick up my phone and skype, reply to any messages nor replied to my boyfriend his messages.)

After I picked up the money, I ran to Rotterdam Central Station and took the train to The Hague. I walked to his place and yes, alot of people commented on the fact I wasn't wearing any shoes or a jacket, but I wasn't really bothered by it, because I got used to it after a while. I got to his place around 10PM I think. I messaged my best friends and called Alysha ofcourse, who had been worried sick ever since I hung up a couple of hours before that. I went to sleep not too long after that.

I was very lucky to be able to stay at his and Nozomi's family's for a few days, their family's are so caring and kind. Whatever it is, they take such great care of others, and I am truly grateful for that. 

Not too long after all that, my mother and I decided I would move back in with her. I didn't tell many people at first, because I kind of felt like nobody would actually care, but I really want to get all of this off my chest and since this has a huge impact on my life and the blog right now, I decided to share it with you guys.

During the months I started feeling less at ease in Rotterdam, my mental health decreased. My motivation for school had gone away and after I got kicked out, I got very depressed again.
I tried to be very positive about the entire situation, but it started getting really hard for me to keep the negativity to myself. Also, last week my family got some bad news. One of my mother's uncles had passed away. We went to the funeral on Tuesday, and it was very strange seeing family member I either had never seen my entire life, or only when I was only a few months old. It was strange, but very nice to know that he can finally have the rest he deserves and be released from pain and problems.

After all the things that happened the past few months, I got less social, and I think I can't really call myself as social as I used to be anymore. I just feel like we all have our own lives and I have just a small group of people I actually still talk to nowadays. And that is something that makes me very happy, actually. 

But besides the negative things, there are things on the bright side aswell.
My friends and (my mother's) family have been keeping me up these days and I am starting to adjust my life to these changes a bit more easy now. Moving to a village and travelling to The Hague for 1,5 hours every morning, it seems to just be a part of my life right now. I'm able to see Nozomi and my boyfriend alot more nowadays and I just feel l ike I am starting to become more positive again. It's great to see my mom again and to live with her again. I missed her so much.

I got a job offer a few weeks ago and I started asap. I am now a waitress at an AYCE sushi restaurant and I try to work as much as I can. I just really love the feeling of working for money, because you know you earned it and worked hard for it. 

But because I have internship every week, and I work 4 days a week, I started getting even less time for blogging.

I filmed quite alot the past two/three months (ID concert, daily vlogs etc.), but I just didn't have time to edit most of them and I tried to edit the ID concert vlog a few times, but I am just not happy with the results and I don't feel like uploading things, which I don't even like myself.

I will try to do, maybe like weekly vlogs, in which I will be vlogging monday to sunday and make it some sort of week vlogs compilations. I am also working out more now, and I hope to get back into shape after a while again, so I will also be doing lookbooks in the future.

I want to apologize for not being able to upload anything these days. 

Thank you for the great support and for still reading my blog. I truly appreciate it! You are amazing. God bless you all!

Have a great weekend and don't forget to smile!